Tag Archives: Humor

Objective Reality

A Hot Day in Henderson Nevada
A Hot Day in Henderson Nevada

When I think of objective reality, I think bleak. Really bleak. Bleaker than, well, consider the following.

Science pokes around to find out how stuff works. That’s really all it’s about. The reports people believe about science on social media and elsewhere are just that: reports by non-scientists about things they don’t really understand and which are usually reported incorrectly. In other words, they’re mostly BS. Smart reporters stick the word “may” into the headline, which covers their non-objective butts, but nobody ever pays attention to that. Hell, that whole “vaccines are dangerous” thing should never have been reported in the first place. Amongst scientists, doubt began to creep in almost immediately. Amongst the public, not so much, huh? Science never once “said” that vaccines were bad. There was one study. Vaccines “may” be bad, was all it says. Turns out that they aren’t. Science, I’m trying to say, dabbles in objective reality. And, as I said, it can seem bleak.

What seems (just seems) like objective reality in science is called a Theory. What reporters call a theory, scientists call a “hypothesis.” That’s a small bit of objective reality right there. But, here, look at a few scientific theories (believed to be objective reality.)

  • Universal Gravitation (Newton’s theory of Gravity to most.) It isn’t “what goes up must come down,” either.
  • Newton’s (quite the guy) laws of motion. You know, inertia, equal but opposite reaction, stuff like that. (Newton’s theories are so solid that many call them “laws.” No violators have ever surfaced to date.
  • Newton’s (holy cats!) laws (again, laws) of thermodynamics.
  • Einstein’s theories of relativity, general and special. The discovery of gravity waves recently put the final nail in the coffin of doubters. These theories are almost too weird to believe, but they work.

Using these theories, which are believed to represent objective reality (and so far they’ve all worked quite well) one can conclude that the purpose of life is to reverse a localized buildup of negentropy. Or, to waste energy. Long story, but it’s true. Also, in biological science, one learns that life is, after all, DNA. The survivor in all cases is DNA. Recently, when some physicists were asked to describe the causes of cancer, they figured out that cancer is a way that DNA survives when the cancerous tissue is otherwise damaged. Yep. DNA will survive. This information about life is also objective reality. The universe, from a scientific point of view, doesn’t care a fig about humans.

But it likes life, in the form of DNA. Humans are just elaborate structures built by DNA to replicate itself. And, as it happens, to use up extra energy stored underground.

See, bleaker than anything, huh?

Which explains why I like humor. Studying bleakness does nothing to make life more pleasant. If all that bleak information is true, then it’s more important than ever that we treat each other with respect and kindness, because this is what you get, folks. We can enjoy this cruise on Planet Earth, or we can be miserable. Seems to me that those most afraid of objective reality are the ones most into making things worse. I’m trying to make things better. Don’t know if I will, but I’m trying. Nothing big, just trying not to be a dick too often.

In conclusion, here are a few plainly obviously true fortune cookie fortunes, along with potential objective meanings:

  • Your wealth will be augmented within the month. (Maybe you’ll pick up a quarter off of the sidewalk somewhere?)
  • Your talents will soon be recognized and awarded appropriately. (Maybe you’ll hear, “You’re a no-talent loser and I’m canning your ass!”?)
  • Your imagination will point you in a new direction. (Maybe off a cliff?)

Just stuff to think about. 🙂

Our Holiday Letter

Chappy Chanukka?
Chappy Chanukka?

Hello from our family! We certainly hope that this past year has been a good one for you and yours, and that the upcoming year will fill you with blessings, and improved streaming from your chosen ISP!

We are feeling a bit conflicted this holiday season. That’s because not a one of us has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior. You know how we like to think of ourselves as on the cutting edge of family life. Grandma gave us all Cabbage Patch Dolls before they got so expensive, and we still have a garden made of Pet Rocks! But, in this, we are sadly behind the times. Although Pa did once tell cousin Lucille an off-color joke. It didn’t rise to an offense, though, because Lucille told him one in return that caused the rest of us to put our hands over the little ones’ ears and blush for shame. The language! Anyway, outside of that bit of embarrassment, which I am frankly glad to have confessed, life has been good to us this year.

Pa, Junior (isn’t that the cleverest name, though?) was cleared to return to playing football after the swelling in his brain went down, and he’s gone on to be the star of the team during his Senior year. He’s so excited about the game that he sort of shivers from time to time, and who can blame him? That City Championship Trophy will look pretty darned good up on the mantle, that’s for sure! 

You’d think brother Josh would be jealous, but not a bit of it! He’s working really hard down at the Stash N Save, bagging folks’ stuff for them. Sometimes he carries the stuff out to their car for ’em, and once in a while, he even gets a tip! He’s learned a lot about how a successful business works, as when his boss pointed out that, as a tipped employee, he got less pay per hour than if he were, for instance, a janitor who never got tips. We’re sure he’ll put this knowledge to good use throughout his life!

Josh and Sissy's creation.
Josh and Sissy’s creation.

Sissy is not to be undone by her big brothers. Besides designing the snow creature shown in the picture, she has been learning the best way to apply mascara, so when she gets to high school she won’t look as ridiculous as most of the girls on dance nights. We’re having a little trouble convincing her to drop her interest in electronics and physics and concentrate on more practical concerns, but after all, she’s just thirteen. She has several years yet to figure out how the world really works! 

Pa may not be a sexual predator, but he’s one heck of a tinkerer. Last June he bought a 1969 Oldsmobile 442 off of our neighbor over on Claremont Avenue, and he figures that by this next June he’ll be able to use it to drive to Pa, Junior’s graduation! Maybe even let Pa, Junior use it when he takes his girlfriend out to celebrate their new adulthood! Pa says that the car just has a few “bent valves,” whatever that means, and it won’t be any trouble at all for him to fix up good as new! It actually does run right now, but the cloud of smoke it makes gets so thick that he can’t see where he’s going when he tries to drive it. I can’t wait for when we can drive it up and down Main Street, just like Grandpa and Grandma used to do back in those days.

And of course, I’ve been busy lately what with making Thanksgiving dinner for us and all of our cousins (it’s so nice to see the house full to bursting with hungry kinfolk!) And now I’m starting in on the Christmas cookies, bake-ahead pies, gingerbread for the gingerbread houses (Rex the Lab ate them all last year, so I’m putting them on top of the china cabinet this time,) and of course shopping for presents for everybody. I’m having a blast, as you can imagine, and I hope you, too, are enjoying your Holiday Season!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukka, Good Kwanzaa, Happy New Year!

Until next year,

Regards, Myrtle

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 by Steven M Fey, including the photographs, also by Steven M Fey

 

 

 

Writing Funny

A Fey Cow

Besides using a cartoon drawing of a goofy cow, writing funny presents a unique set of challenges. I like to write, you know that, but it turns out I also like to get up in front of people and tell jokes. You may know that too, but I discovered it only recently. But there is something you may never have considered about being a comic. That is, a comic is also a writer. You have to write all the time. Right now, I’m working on a YA romance, a chapter book involving some fourth-grade detectives (not that they’re low grade, they’re in the fourth grade,) and an endless series of jokes to be invented, refined, and worked into a routine that will, I hope, make an audience pee their collective pants. Or, at least get me hired at some corporate events. (My HBO special will be next year, of course.)

So, oddly it seems to me, every comic you see on television or in person is also a professional writer. In my case, I have never been able to get a serious point across unless I couch it in humor. Hell, I bet you’re bored right now, aren’t you? ‘Cause I haven’t made any jokes yet, have I? Well, be bored then. I charge for humor, after all. But my point is that every one of the comics, from Seinfeld to the guy at the club you dropped in on the other night when you were already too drunk to walk straight (we see you, you know,) writes something virtually every day. And he or she has to write something that’s funny! And that means studying what is funny. (That sentence certainly isn’t.) But, humor can be studied just like algebra, and that’s what comedians do. Can that be funnier? What’s the best punchline? How do I make it funnier? How can I add another punchline? And on and on.

I write regular stuff, so I’m hoping that by posting this about writing comedy I might help some of my fellow writers to appreciate the amount of thought and effort that goes into a comedy routine. I doubt that, just taken as a person, Lewis Black is any more angry than anyone else, but his anger schtick earned him a movie role as, well, Anger. And if you think Seinfeld is just a bunch of goofs kicking stuff around, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. Seinfeld is a bunch of professionals who polish and analyze and polish and analyze and polish some more, until it’s funny enough for prime time.

Think about that next time you see or read some funny stuff. A whole lot of serious work goes into making it that way. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

What In Tarnation?

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Damitol
Damitol, the Key to Unlimited Happiness and Stuff

 

  • If your kids just won’t sit still and eat their dinner, Damitol!
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You get the idea.

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So, whatever is bugging you, or your family, you can cure it right up with new Damitolâ„¢ or one of it’s non-prescription strength cousins, Consarnitolâ„¢ or Darnitolâ„¢.

Ask your pharmacist to fill you a heaping prescription of Damitolâ„¢ today! We’ll be glad you did!

Read French?

I do, but still it was amazing to get this bit of spam this morning:

LE LICENCIEMENT
PROCEDURES & ASPECTS PRATIQUES
Tout ce qu’il faut savoir … et plus

animé par:
Consultant expert en législation et relation du travail

Objectifs
Mettre à la disposition des gestionnaires une panoplie de textes et de procédures régissant la gestion du licenciement individuel et collectif dans les différents types de contrats et contextes ainsi ques ces incidences financières sur l’entreprise, afin de leur permettre de surmonter toutes les éventuelles difficultés qu’ils pourraient rencontrer

les 18 et 19 Mars 2010
à l’hôtel Karthago Le Palace

CETTE FORMATION VOUS CONCERNE

Directeurs
Directeurs/Responsables Administratif & Financier Directeurs/Responsables des Ressources Humaines Chefs du personnel 

    Contacter nous …
Tél : 71782 733 / 24511 000
Fax: 71 782 936
Mail:firstacademy1@yahoo.fr
        
You can go if you want; I’m busy that day. Where do these people get my address?

Steve

The Presidency

The President of the United States has to be the most thankless job in the known universe. I heard someone on the radio say the other day that Obama is “destroying the very fabric of the America that we grew up in.” Wow. I’ll bet he wishes he had that sort of power. Actually, of course, the President can’t hardly go to the bathroom without somebody following him in and keeping him safe. How the hell you’re supposed to do anything at all creative when nobody will ever leave you the heck alone is beyond me. And of course, the most recent past prez, you know, Shrubby the Bush as I like to call him, was vilified far beyond what his level of incompetence called for. He did not, contrary to what I’ve heard, cancel the constitution or institute a police state. I bet he wished he could do some of that, but thanks to the fact that any idiot, including present company, can pretty much say whatever he wants to, nobody can do such a thing in this country. I could say similar things about Clinton and Bush the Elder (the one with a brain) but I think I’ve done enough damage to individual presidents for one day.

The reason I mention all that is that I’d like to propose that we amend the way we select presidents. Instead of an interminable election, how about every six years, or eight, or whatever seems fair, we draft one eligible citizen, and that poor schmuck or schmuckette is stuck with the job. I would cap eligibility for the draft at seventy, though. I’d hate to think we killed anyone outright. Just think of the benefits we’d accrue. For one thing, instead of somebody crazy enough to actually volunteer for the job, we’d get someone sane enough to avoid it. Of course, the truly sane might just emigrate to Canada. In the middle of the night. With their headlights off. But still, we’d have a president who was truly one of the people at last. Think of it: we could get a new Lincoln, or Daniel Webster, or FDR or JFK or Homer Simpson!

Really, just think it over. I’m sure you’ll come around to my way of seeing things.

Steve