Tuesday, May 30, 2006
San Diego Dreamin'?
First, I’d like to report that I just updated the Funny Pages for the first time in three weeks. That should be good news to the two or three fans I have.
Second, since that piece is about San Diego, and since there are literalists out there (who provide a lot of material but still drive me nuts) I’m going to give my real opinion of San Diego here. It ain’t as funny, but it’s real, as they say.
San Diego is a really nice city that’s fairly easy to get around in nestled right on the border with Baja California. It was the first settlement in what they used to call Alta California, which means Upper California to you Spanish purists. Baja means ‘lower’ so you can see the pattern here. The US got Alta California from the Mexicans during the Mexican War, the one that Thoreau went to jail to protest, in case you’re curious. I guess if you hate intellectuals and California equally, you have your reasons. But today San Diego, one side of the busiest border crossing in the world, is a bustling place, with a Naval Base, a busy port lots of busy restaurants and shops, and a couple of districts they like to brag up.
One of those districts is the Gas Lamp District, which is okay, and if I lived there I’d think it was swell, but for a tourist there’s nothing all that special, although there are some neat Victorian rooflines on a few buildings. There’s also a big five-story mall that’s just like any other big mall you’ve ever seen. But, really, as a tourist I was sort of yawning at the entire place.
Not far away they do have Old Town, including a state park with the oldest buildings in San Diego in it. Old Town is a lot neater place, especially the park. There are some nice historic buildings you can tour, and of course a lot of shops selling whatever you might want, some of the items even potentially useful.
We also went to one of those comedy dinner theaters you see everywhere, and it was fine. And we took a harbor tour that included a five-course meal and let us see some pretty nice sights while we were at it. San Diego is nice enough that we plan to go back in the fall, only this time we’re going to stay right on the beach (it’s the off season, although the weather is usually fine there any time.)
Besides, that other article isn’t really about San Diego at all. Unless you’re one of those literalists I bet you’ll figure that out when you read it here.
Second, since that piece is about San Diego, and since there are literalists out there (who provide a lot of material but still drive me nuts) I’m going to give my real opinion of San Diego here. It ain’t as funny, but it’s real, as they say.
San Diego is a really nice city that’s fairly easy to get around in nestled right on the border with Baja California. It was the first settlement in what they used to call Alta California, which means Upper California to you Spanish purists. Baja means ‘lower’ so you can see the pattern here. The US got Alta California from the Mexicans during the Mexican War, the one that Thoreau went to jail to protest, in case you’re curious. I guess if you hate intellectuals and California equally, you have your reasons. But today San Diego, one side of the busiest border crossing in the world, is a bustling place, with a Naval Base, a busy port lots of busy restaurants and shops, and a couple of districts they like to brag up.
One of those districts is the Gas Lamp District, which is okay, and if I lived there I’d think it was swell, but for a tourist there’s nothing all that special, although there are some neat Victorian rooflines on a few buildings. There’s also a big five-story mall that’s just like any other big mall you’ve ever seen. But, really, as a tourist I was sort of yawning at the entire place.
Not far away they do have Old Town, including a state park with the oldest buildings in San Diego in it. Old Town is a lot neater place, especially the park. There are some nice historic buildings you can tour, and of course a lot of shops selling whatever you might want, some of the items even potentially useful.
We also went to one of those comedy dinner theaters you see everywhere, and it was fine. And we took a harbor tour that included a five-course meal and let us see some pretty nice sights while we were at it. San Diego is nice enough that we plan to go back in the fall, only this time we’re going to stay right on the beach (it’s the off season, although the weather is usually fine there any time.)
Besides, that other article isn’t really about San Diego at all. Unless you’re one of those literalists I bet you’ll figure that out when you read it here.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Funny Pages Excuse-o-Matic
Two posts down from here, below the immigration rant, is a piece intended for my funny pages. It’s sort of funny, but not quite enough (I think) to post there. So I put it here, in the Comic Sans Serif font I use on the funny pages and all. Just as it would appear if I posted it there.
I haven’t done much funny pages lately because I’m working on some stand-up material I hope to try out on an open mic in Vegas in a couple of weeks. I was told by an actual working comic that I ought to try it. He heard me teaching, no less, and said I’d be good at it. I do like telling stories. Some of the funny pages are actually written as oral routines, and if you’d like to read through and try to figure out which ones, please do.
Anyway, I’ll post again after my first stab at it. Somebody’s gonna die, and I just hope it’s the audience.
I haven’t done much funny pages lately because I’m working on some stand-up material I hope to try out on an open mic in Vegas in a couple of weeks. I was told by an actual working comic that I ought to try it. He heard me teaching, no less, and said I’d be good at it. I do like telling stories. Some of the funny pages are actually written as oral routines, and if you’d like to read through and try to figure out which ones, please do.
Anyway, I’ll post again after my first stab at it. Somebody’s gonna die, and I just hope it’s the audience.
Immigration and Bigotry
Well well, I’ve been hearing a lot of sturm und drang (that’s worthless noise) about immigration. On both sides there are a lot of people out being pretty sure of themselves. But, one side struck me more than the other as being, well, racist as hell. If there were Canadians sneaking over the border and taking low paying jobs in the US would we care? Sure we would, but not very much. Here are a few of the arguments against the immigrants (and there are only a few simple ones, after all.)
“First, the emphasis must be on “illegal.” If they were here legally it would be a different story, but illegal is illegal.” Well, true enough. It’s illegal to drive 56 miles per hour on Ohio State Route 53 between Tiffin and Fremont. I wonder, though, if anybody ever does. How about hard jail time for those scofflaws? And what if the real issue is that the law is unfair in the first place?
“Well, my great-grandmother waited her turn to come here from Germany.” Did she? Was there a line? Or was it that there was a humongous quota for Western Europeans, a zero quota for Asians, and a small quota for Latin America? Heck, we still use that same quota system, adjusted to be sure, but the plain fact is that we legally admit a lot more of some ethnic and racial types than of others. As I said, if it were Canadians, would we care? There really are illegal Canadian immigrants in the USA, you know. I’ve met some. I didn’t care. I’ve also met some illegal immigrants from Latin America, and I didn’t care about them either. Frankly, those protesting the ‘hordes of illegal immigrants’ are insulting the idea of conservatism.
The ideas they espouse go back to the days of the good old Ku Klux Klan. You remember them, don’t you? And all the blather about “State’s Rights?” Sure, the Civil War Between the States of Northern Aggression was about State’s Rights. But, a State’s right to do what, exactly? Why, nothing less than the right to hold half of your citizens in slavery, or if not that then in abject, disenfranchised poverty. That’s what it was all about, and that’s what all the screaming about immigration is about right now. Hell’s Bells, if anyone wants to take the moral high ground from those idiots who have been claiming it since before Reagan was elected, maybe that someone should point out the moral imperative to treat people with dignity and respect. Maybe point out that Mr. Nazareth said that we should tend the sick, visit the imprisoned, feed the hungry and clothe the naked. (I mention this fact because so many of these folks wanting to fence us in claim to be god-fearing Christians. If they’re Christians, they should be afraid. And they should move to Arizona to get used to the heat while they’re at it.)
Where I live the only way, and I mean the only way, to get your yard work done, is to find someone who will work for ten bucks an hour and not care if he sends his money home to Costa Rica. There are simply no legal residents available for that work at that rate of pay. You can hire day labor, and pay the agency twenty bucks an hour, for which the laborers receive eight bucks an hour. So, you pay more, your employees get less, and a greedy employer is encouraged. Is that moral? Is that right? Is that how we’re supposed to treat each other? And I wonder, besides, just what’s so special about America if we put up fences to keep people out? We’re not free just because we’re us. We’re free because some very smart people (very unlike those whom I am currently discussing) set things up so that we would be. It’s bad enough that we’ve got a government stupid enough to ignore scientific evidence, as in their idiotic stand on medical marijuana for example, but now we’ve got a bunch of idiot citizens with nothing better to do than harass people who have done them no harm getting themselves on TV by simply being the bigots they apparently love to be. (I read just today that most of the strongest opposition to immigration comes from places where there isn’t much. Figures.)
You know, and I mean this in the best possible way, if you’re one of those who feels threatened by Latinos without green cards, if you hate your fellow humans that much, then how about doing us all a huge favor, and leave? Seriously. Maybe go to Mexico. Oh, there’s another argument. Mexico is really hard to move to, and they don’t treat immigrants well at all. So, we should be like the people we purport to hate, is that it? Or is that the problem with these vocal bigots in the first place?
I don’t really know. I just report. You can figure it out for yourself.
“First, the emphasis must be on “illegal.” If they were here legally it would be a different story, but illegal is illegal.” Well, true enough. It’s illegal to drive 56 miles per hour on Ohio State Route 53 between Tiffin and Fremont. I wonder, though, if anybody ever does. How about hard jail time for those scofflaws? And what if the real issue is that the law is unfair in the first place?
“Well, my great-grandmother waited her turn to come here from Germany.” Did she? Was there a line? Or was it that there was a humongous quota for Western Europeans, a zero quota for Asians, and a small quota for Latin America? Heck, we still use that same quota system, adjusted to be sure, but the plain fact is that we legally admit a lot more of some ethnic and racial types than of others. As I said, if it were Canadians, would we care? There really are illegal Canadian immigrants in the USA, you know. I’ve met some. I didn’t care. I’ve also met some illegal immigrants from Latin America, and I didn’t care about them either. Frankly, those protesting the ‘hordes of illegal immigrants’ are insulting the idea of conservatism.
The ideas they espouse go back to the days of the good old Ku Klux Klan. You remember them, don’t you? And all the blather about “State’s Rights?” Sure, the Civil War Between the States of Northern Aggression was about State’s Rights. But, a State’s right to do what, exactly? Why, nothing less than the right to hold half of your citizens in slavery, or if not that then in abject, disenfranchised poverty. That’s what it was all about, and that’s what all the screaming about immigration is about right now. Hell’s Bells, if anyone wants to take the moral high ground from those idiots who have been claiming it since before Reagan was elected, maybe that someone should point out the moral imperative to treat people with dignity and respect. Maybe point out that Mr. Nazareth said that we should tend the sick, visit the imprisoned, feed the hungry and clothe the naked. (I mention this fact because so many of these folks wanting to fence us in claim to be god-fearing Christians. If they’re Christians, they should be afraid. And they should move to Arizona to get used to the heat while they’re at it.)
Where I live the only way, and I mean the only way, to get your yard work done, is to find someone who will work for ten bucks an hour and not care if he sends his money home to Costa Rica. There are simply no legal residents available for that work at that rate of pay. You can hire day labor, and pay the agency twenty bucks an hour, for which the laborers receive eight bucks an hour. So, you pay more, your employees get less, and a greedy employer is encouraged. Is that moral? Is that right? Is that how we’re supposed to treat each other? And I wonder, besides, just what’s so special about America if we put up fences to keep people out? We’re not free just because we’re us. We’re free because some very smart people (very unlike those whom I am currently discussing) set things up so that we would be. It’s bad enough that we’ve got a government stupid enough to ignore scientific evidence, as in their idiotic stand on medical marijuana for example, but now we’ve got a bunch of idiot citizens with nothing better to do than harass people who have done them no harm getting themselves on TV by simply being the bigots they apparently love to be. (I read just today that most of the strongest opposition to immigration comes from places where there isn’t much. Figures.)
You know, and I mean this in the best possible way, if you’re one of those who feels threatened by Latinos without green cards, if you hate your fellow humans that much, then how about doing us all a huge favor, and leave? Seriously. Maybe go to Mexico. Oh, there’s another argument. Mexico is really hard to move to, and they don’t treat immigrants well at all. So, we should be like the people we purport to hate, is that it? Or is that the problem with these vocal bigots in the first place?
I don’t really know. I just report. You can figure it out for yourself.
Monday, May 22, 2006
ROMAN AROUND
ROMAN AROUND
By Steve Fey
As in wandering all over Europe and Asia Minor causing trouble for the natives. I’ve been TiVoing a series on the Military Channel (right next to the Snail Racing Channel made famous by Garfield the Cat) called Rome: Power and Glory, which tells the story of these fun-loving early Italians. It’s quite the story, as I’ve found out. For instance, did you know that in the early days the Romans accepted all sorts of brigands, thieves and neer-do-wells as their countrymen? Remind you of anyone? Who founded Georgia, again? Oh, yes, the Romans took people hiding from creditors, too. Not that they did anything if one Roman owed another money and the first guy foreclosed in a big way; an arm and a leg, literally, that is. You remember the story maybe of the Sabine Women? Unfortunately, Brigands and Robbers and Thieves and Deadbeats are usually men, so the Romans didn’t have any women. They suckered the Sabines, who were their upstanding neighbors, like the Flanders family on The Simpsons, over for a free dinner, then they stole all the Sabine women and drove off the men they didn’t kill. Nice people the Romans.
By the way, that wolf story is bunk. They were put up and treated well by the Etruscans, who showed them how to drain the swamp and laid out a city for them. No kidding. Then they killed the Etruscan king and took over Italy. Like I said, nice guys.
So, that’s the way they were and so what? Well, they also went all over Europe, including into Western Germany, France, and Britannia, or as we know it, the place the Beatles came from yeah yeah yeah. I had ancestors in all those places if you dig back far enough, but my money’s on the Western Germany bunch, which was a Roman province for several hundred years. I mean that my money’s on that place for my Roman ancestor to have lived.
Yes, friends, I, and I suppose all of my family, are a bunch of Romans. Now I feel like Brian of Nazereth. He was a Roman but he “Ated the Romans” “A Lot!” and joined the PFJ or the JPF or some such organization and got into all sorts of trouble. Lucky for me the Romans aren’t in power any more so I guess I’m okay. I know this because I found out in a recent physical that I have something called thallasemia, which is found mostly (the form I have that is) in Greeks and Italians. I am no Greek nor Italian, but there it is: somebody in my family was, most likely, some Roman soldier along the Rhine. They roamed from Rome quite far from ‘ome and so ‘ere we are but we don’t know’m. Ouch. Sorry. Still, those bloodthirsty criminals who founded an empire are among my ancestors, which probably explains my sense of humor and general ill-natured attitude toward the world. Boy, aren’t you fascinated? Well you should be. In fact, laugh right now or I’ll cut you off at the knees with this here gladius. Got it?
By Steve Fey
As in wandering all over Europe and Asia Minor causing trouble for the natives. I’ve been TiVoing a series on the Military Channel (right next to the Snail Racing Channel made famous by Garfield the Cat) called Rome: Power and Glory, which tells the story of these fun-loving early Italians. It’s quite the story, as I’ve found out. For instance, did you know that in the early days the Romans accepted all sorts of brigands, thieves and neer-do-wells as their countrymen? Remind you of anyone? Who founded Georgia, again? Oh, yes, the Romans took people hiding from creditors, too. Not that they did anything if one Roman owed another money and the first guy foreclosed in a big way; an arm and a leg, literally, that is. You remember the story maybe of the Sabine Women? Unfortunately, Brigands and Robbers and Thieves and Deadbeats are usually men, so the Romans didn’t have any women. They suckered the Sabines, who were their upstanding neighbors, like the Flanders family on The Simpsons, over for a free dinner, then they stole all the Sabine women and drove off the men they didn’t kill. Nice people the Romans.
By the way, that wolf story is bunk. They were put up and treated well by the Etruscans, who showed them how to drain the swamp and laid out a city for them. No kidding. Then they killed the Etruscan king and took over Italy. Like I said, nice guys.
So, that’s the way they were and so what? Well, they also went all over Europe, including into Western Germany, France, and Britannia, or as we know it, the place the Beatles came from yeah yeah yeah. I had ancestors in all those places if you dig back far enough, but my money’s on the Western Germany bunch, which was a Roman province for several hundred years. I mean that my money’s on that place for my Roman ancestor to have lived.
Yes, friends, I, and I suppose all of my family, are a bunch of Romans. Now I feel like Brian of Nazereth. He was a Roman but he “Ated the Romans” “A Lot!” and joined the PFJ or the JPF or some such organization and got into all sorts of trouble. Lucky for me the Romans aren’t in power any more so I guess I’m okay. I know this because I found out in a recent physical that I have something called thallasemia, which is found mostly (the form I have that is) in Greeks and Italians. I am no Greek nor Italian, but there it is: somebody in my family was, most likely, some Roman soldier along the Rhine. They roamed from Rome quite far from ‘ome and so ‘ere we are but we don’t know’m. Ouch. Sorry. Still, those bloodthirsty criminals who founded an empire are among my ancestors, which probably explains my sense of humor and general ill-natured attitude toward the world. Boy, aren’t you fascinated? Well you should be. In fact, laugh right now or I’ll cut you off at the knees with this here gladius. Got it?
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Fearful Phraseology
Why yes, I did write that other post. Why do you ask?
There have been some tricks of language used in the current administration that really scrape their nails on my chalkboard. Not that previous administrations haven’t contributed, of course. “At that point in time” was notorious for Tricky Dick’s boys, “what is is” was more so for Clinton, and I could go on. But these are what have been grating on me lately, so here goes.
First, the phrase I used in closing the last post: “But we can all agree that (rocks are better than scissors, or whatever.)” Well, maybe not. It shows an ignorant use of assumptions that even really smart people use to save them having to think. I guess when you’re really smart you get really tired from all that thinking so naturally I find more of this sort of insinuating nonsense from smart people than I do from the population in general. What you’re saying when you say that is that since you have reasoned that position out, it is perforce reasonable, and that anyone who can’t agree with that point at least is not worth arguing with. It looks reasonable and thoughtful, but in fact it’s exclusionary and stupid. (And I’m sure we can all agree on that.) ;-) It’s a way to avoid letting people argue against you, in fact, and an act of fear in a many cases.
Another more common tactic is to ask questions and then answer them yourself. Secretary Rumsfeld uses this one a lot, but then so do a lot of people. Do I think that this is a fair technique to use in a press conference? No, I don’t. Do I think that it’s mostly used by those trying to avoid exposing something embarrassing or unpleasant? Yes I do. Is this paragraph being written to illustrate what I’m writing about? Yes, it is. Rummy is famous for ducking and weaving at press conferences, but he’s not the only one I’ve heard using the technique. In fact, I’ve heard politicians from both parties use it, which for me just makes the noise of those nails on slate harder to take. If I could point at one side or the other it would mean that I’d find some relief somewhere, but unfortunately I apparently can’t.
The thing that’s the most wrong with those techniques is that they’re both acts of fear. We all fear being wrong, even though we must be most of the time. It’s just the nature of reality. Everybody knows a few things, but nobody knows enough never to make mistakes. The world is just too damn big for that, with entirely too many aspects for anyone to be right about anything but the few things they actually do know. Which is why at first his opponents, and now most of us, have come to distrust Rumsfeld. Hey, maybe he just has a bad habit in how he talks to reporters, but we’ll never know now because he’s screwed himself to the floor.
Too bad more of us didn’t see all this coming five years ago, isn’t it?
There have been some tricks of language used in the current administration that really scrape their nails on my chalkboard. Not that previous administrations haven’t contributed, of course. “At that point in time” was notorious for Tricky Dick’s boys, “what is is” was more so for Clinton, and I could go on. But these are what have been grating on me lately, so here goes.
First, the phrase I used in closing the last post: “But we can all agree that (rocks are better than scissors, or whatever.)” Well, maybe not. It shows an ignorant use of assumptions that even really smart people use to save them having to think. I guess when you’re really smart you get really tired from all that thinking so naturally I find more of this sort of insinuating nonsense from smart people than I do from the population in general. What you’re saying when you say that is that since you have reasoned that position out, it is perforce reasonable, and that anyone who can’t agree with that point at least is not worth arguing with. It looks reasonable and thoughtful, but in fact it’s exclusionary and stupid. (And I’m sure we can all agree on that.) ;-) It’s a way to avoid letting people argue against you, in fact, and an act of fear in a many cases.
Another more common tactic is to ask questions and then answer them yourself. Secretary Rumsfeld uses this one a lot, but then so do a lot of people. Do I think that this is a fair technique to use in a press conference? No, I don’t. Do I think that it’s mostly used by those trying to avoid exposing something embarrassing or unpleasant? Yes I do. Is this paragraph being written to illustrate what I’m writing about? Yes, it is. Rummy is famous for ducking and weaving at press conferences, but he’s not the only one I’ve heard using the technique. In fact, I’ve heard politicians from both parties use it, which for me just makes the noise of those nails on slate harder to take. If I could point at one side or the other it would mean that I’d find some relief somewhere, but unfortunately I apparently can’t.
The thing that’s the most wrong with those techniques is that they’re both acts of fear. We all fear being wrong, even though we must be most of the time. It’s just the nature of reality. Everybody knows a few things, but nobody knows enough never to make mistakes. The world is just too damn big for that, with entirely too many aspects for anyone to be right about anything but the few things they actually do know. Which is why at first his opponents, and now most of us, have come to distrust Rumsfeld. Hey, maybe he just has a bad habit in how he talks to reporters, but we’ll never know now because he’s screwed himself to the floor.
Too bad more of us didn’t see all this coming five years ago, isn’t it?
A Reasonable George W.?
Last Thursday my eldest daughter graduated from college, which put me in Colorado from Thursday through Saturday. Then Sunday I was getting ready for Monday, when I had a colonoscopy (perfectly normal, thank you) that required liquid diet and other nonsense that I’m saving for a stand-up routine. (It will be funny, I promise.) Which is just by way of explaining where I’ve been. In other news I’m actually going to start the teaching job next week, so I’m no longer an unemployed bum, as I am employed. As for the other, once a bum . . .
So, apparently our President is losing confidence in his ability to pull his party along on whatever he wants, as he actually made reasonable suggestions about immigration last night. I don’t agree with everything he says, but for the most part, and this does shock me a bit, I actually do think I could get behind what he outlined. The real problem with immigration, of course, is that there’s no real problem with immigration, but some people need someone to blame for the problems that they cause themselves, so immigrants are a handy target for them. But, like I said, kudos to Mr. Bush for making what seems like thoughtful suggestions. Thanks, George. It won’t help his party come fall, but then I wonder if he really cares any more. Not like they’ve been all that nice to him lately, is it?
Mr. Bush’s sudden transformation into someone who likes to find a compromise illustrates what I’ve said before about the two-party system. That is that it works better when neither party can really claim to be fully in charge. It worked for the Gauls, and it works for us. Whenever one party gains temporary control, the party tends to fall apart, and then the government is forced back into compromise. The bad thing for this administration was the attacks on New York and Washington, which caused an artificial unity because of the fact that everybody was afraid. The administration knew damn well that having people afraid was keeping them united, but obviously that ploy has run its course, which is a good thing in itself. Again, as I’ve said before, acting out of fear is a good way to get yourself into worse trouble than you already are. Now that we’re over being scared of our shadows, maybe we can get back to doing whatever it is we do and stop reaming each other new ones every day just because you and I don’t agree on how to solve our problems.
Speaking of which, don’t you love it when people say stuff like, “Well at least we can all agree that . . .”? Yeesh. I think that’s another post. Look just above and see if I’ve done one.
So, apparently our President is losing confidence in his ability to pull his party along on whatever he wants, as he actually made reasonable suggestions about immigration last night. I don’t agree with everything he says, but for the most part, and this does shock me a bit, I actually do think I could get behind what he outlined. The real problem with immigration, of course, is that there’s no real problem with immigration, but some people need someone to blame for the problems that they cause themselves, so immigrants are a handy target for them. But, like I said, kudos to Mr. Bush for making what seems like thoughtful suggestions. Thanks, George. It won’t help his party come fall, but then I wonder if he really cares any more. Not like they’ve been all that nice to him lately, is it?
Mr. Bush’s sudden transformation into someone who likes to find a compromise illustrates what I’ve said before about the two-party system. That is that it works better when neither party can really claim to be fully in charge. It worked for the Gauls, and it works for us. Whenever one party gains temporary control, the party tends to fall apart, and then the government is forced back into compromise. The bad thing for this administration was the attacks on New York and Washington, which caused an artificial unity because of the fact that everybody was afraid. The administration knew damn well that having people afraid was keeping them united, but obviously that ploy has run its course, which is a good thing in itself. Again, as I’ve said before, acting out of fear is a good way to get yourself into worse trouble than you already are. Now that we’re over being scared of our shadows, maybe we can get back to doing whatever it is we do and stop reaming each other new ones every day just because you and I don’t agree on how to solve our problems.
Speaking of which, don’t you love it when people say stuff like, “Well at least we can all agree that . . .”? Yeesh. I think that’s another post. Look just above and see if I’ve done one.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I've Been Bugged!
There was a singing group from “deepest New Jersey” that now lived in New York City back in the eighties, but they spelled it Roches, which isn’t the same. If Maggie, Terri and Suzzi had been living here we could’ve charged them rent so it might have been okay. Instead somehow we managed to get infested by what started out looking like little red and black beetles. I have some actual education in controlling pests, having been a bio major years and years ago, but
(yes, sorry, this is not a rant)
I’m afraid that my best efforts were inadequate with those little devils. I’ve been doing the perimeter of the house with commercially available bug spray for about as long as we’ve been here, but those little things just wouldn’t go away. Then they started getting bigger and bigger. You know, a lot bigger, and they started doing things like showing up in my cheerios, and I really do like my cheerios to be insect free if at all possible. My wife insisted that they weren’t roaches because roaches that big would just be too much. I knew better and when I finally called an exterminator and got the official word, she had to agree that the were giant cockroaches.
Not as big as the giant cockroaches I’ve lived with for a bit in South Florida. There they’re known familiarly as “palmetto bugs” and they’re about two-inches in diameter and they fly. Straight out of my sock drawer and into my forehead, in one case. After that these Nevada bugs just don’t seem so awful, but still . . .
So one day last week a man arrived to poison them all. I know, it’s a terrible thing to put poison into the fragile environment. Sure it is, but it’s a worse thing to have cockroaches living high off of your food supply and spreading disease while they’re at it. Besides which, they’re ugly. Oddly, I don’t mind spiders and snakes, but those German cockroaches (yes, that’s the most common species and I have no idea why the Germans get the credit) are truly revolting. Before that man arrived, I had to clean out the kitchen and both bathrooms and even a bit of the laundry room. I put all the food and dishes on tables and covered them with sheets to keep any overspray off. The bathroom stuff I stored in the next room. Once he started I had to leave for three hours, which for a while meant taking a nap in my car in the carport, because what the heck, it was a nice day, eh?
The thing is, if you get roaches eliminated, they don’t just disappear. They all crawl out to die. And I do mean all of them. Some instinct drives them out into the light, where normally they’d never go, so every day for a week now I’ve been vacuuming up little toes-to-the-sky bug bodies. Yesterday it seemed that the march of corpses was easing up, but today there must’ve been twenty of them in the laundry room alone, and the rest of the house, even places forty or more feet from any poison, held dozens more. Still, a dead cockroach is a lot more appetizing than a live one. Besides, it’s entertaining to watch them marching out in the evening, running along until suddenly they flip over, twitch for a few seconds, then pass over to that great pantry in the sky.
I know I’m not the first person to deal with an infestation of these little guys. Like I said, I majored in Biology, and to a biologist, a roach is an awesome thing. They are, as a species, almost impossible to kill. Roach genocide is just not in the cards. When T-Rex was stomping the plains of North America, cockroaches were infesting her nest. And not radically different cockroaches, either, but pretty much the same insects you see today. If a roach finds itself in a favorable environment but alone, it’ll basically clone itself a few thousand times. Male or female, no kidding. It’s incredible, from a biological standpoint. It’s creepy as hell, from a homeowner’s standpoint. You need one, that’s right, one roach to infest a city.
Eeeeeewwww!
(yes, sorry, this is not a rant)
I’m afraid that my best efforts were inadequate with those little devils. I’ve been doing the perimeter of the house with commercially available bug spray for about as long as we’ve been here, but those little things just wouldn’t go away. Then they started getting bigger and bigger. You know, a lot bigger, and they started doing things like showing up in my cheerios, and I really do like my cheerios to be insect free if at all possible. My wife insisted that they weren’t roaches because roaches that big would just be too much. I knew better and when I finally called an exterminator and got the official word, she had to agree that the were giant cockroaches.
Not as big as the giant cockroaches I’ve lived with for a bit in South Florida. There they’re known familiarly as “palmetto bugs” and they’re about two-inches in diameter and they fly. Straight out of my sock drawer and into my forehead, in one case. After that these Nevada bugs just don’t seem so awful, but still . . .
So one day last week a man arrived to poison them all. I know, it’s a terrible thing to put poison into the fragile environment. Sure it is, but it’s a worse thing to have cockroaches living high off of your food supply and spreading disease while they’re at it. Besides which, they’re ugly. Oddly, I don’t mind spiders and snakes, but those German cockroaches (yes, that’s the most common species and I have no idea why the Germans get the credit) are truly revolting. Before that man arrived, I had to clean out the kitchen and both bathrooms and even a bit of the laundry room. I put all the food and dishes on tables and covered them with sheets to keep any overspray off. The bathroom stuff I stored in the next room. Once he started I had to leave for three hours, which for a while meant taking a nap in my car in the carport, because what the heck, it was a nice day, eh?
The thing is, if you get roaches eliminated, they don’t just disappear. They all crawl out to die. And I do mean all of them. Some instinct drives them out into the light, where normally they’d never go, so every day for a week now I’ve been vacuuming up little toes-to-the-sky bug bodies. Yesterday it seemed that the march of corpses was easing up, but today there must’ve been twenty of them in the laundry room alone, and the rest of the house, even places forty or more feet from any poison, held dozens more. Still, a dead cockroach is a lot more appetizing than a live one. Besides, it’s entertaining to watch them marching out in the evening, running along until suddenly they flip over, twitch for a few seconds, then pass over to that great pantry in the sky.
I know I’m not the first person to deal with an infestation of these little guys. Like I said, I majored in Biology, and to a biologist, a roach is an awesome thing. They are, as a species, almost impossible to kill. Roach genocide is just not in the cards. When T-Rex was stomping the plains of North America, cockroaches were infesting her nest. And not radically different cockroaches, either, but pretty much the same insects you see today. If a roach finds itself in a favorable environment but alone, it’ll basically clone itself a few thousand times. Male or female, no kidding. It’s incredible, from a biological standpoint. It’s creepy as hell, from a homeowner’s standpoint. You need one, that’s right, one roach to infest a city.
Eeeeeewwww!
Monday, May 08, 2006
The Conservatives See the Light
First, if you’re reading this the week it’s first published, please click the “Current Funny Page” link to the left, because that article is on the same topic and I think it might even be funny, which is unusual enough for my stuff. Or, if you’re looking over back issues, so to speak, click here to look at the same article. You can right click and choose to open it as a new window, even. Go ahead, this text won’t go anywhere.
Now, to my topic, without the exaggeration and satiric wit added. I think it is interesting that the conservative movement has finally seen through Bush II. I might note that it took them long enough. I think that a part of it is due to a major weakness of idealistic thinking, which is of course endemic to my generation. If you have high ideals, you tend simply not to see anything that conflicts with those ideals. I know that “high ideals” is one of those things that are supposed to be wonderful, but in practice they tend to be quite the opposite. The Nazi Party had very high ideals indeed, high enough that they were, in a historic sense, easy to defeat when it came down to it. (I didn’t say it wasn’t horrible difficult work, but compared to, say, the hundred years war it was over rather quickly.) Our President and the hard-core of his supporters are idealists. Each knows what god wants him or her to do, one way or another. Jesus is the driving force behind the great crusade to remake the world as a moral and upstanding, not to mention democratic, place. The trouble with a group of people knowing what god wants them to do is that god always seems to have different ideas for each person, even though every person seems to assume that god’s plan for them is the same plan god has whipped up for every one of them. So, Bush’s hard-core supporters deluded themselves in their idealism into thinking that he would support just what they (each one of them, I mean) wanted him to support. Instead, like everyone seems to, Bush listens to his own conscience, or god, or dad, or mom, or whatever it is, and ends up disappointing a great many people.
For the record, the Republican Party has never been for States’ Rights. Lincoln got a whole lot of Americans on both sides killed in his successful effort against that idea. In fact, at the time of its founding, the Republican Party was the progressive arm of the body politic. They said they would open up the west, build a railroad, link the country with telegraph lines, abolish slavery and create a new society and, if you look at history, you’ll see that is exactly what they did. What those republicans would think of President Bush is of course moot, but I have to believe that at least some of them would be a tad bemused at what’s been going on. Not that everything has been un-Republican in spirit. Lincoln suspended bits of the Constitution he found inconvenient, and he’s got a beautiful memorial with his words etched into the walls and his face on the fiver. Republicans have always stood for a strong central government and uniformity across the States. Until Reagan, of course, they never out-and-out lied about it. I’m not sure Reagan lied about it, in fact I’m not sure he said anything truly substantive in eight years, but his supporters lied about it then and now. Since I’ve read American History, I was pretty sure that GW Bush would increase the size of government, centralize power, and run up an amazingly large deficit. That’s what effective Republican Presidents have been doing ever since Lincoln. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. It’s just not what was promised in the campaigns.
But, too bad for W, the conservative movement has caught on to the fact that they have been deceived. Well, as I said, it’s about time after all. It’s not conservatism that I mind, or liberalism; it’s lies. It’s common to hear the truth stretched by government officials, but in the past couple of decades, the people who are probably ultimately responsible for the fact that the President looks like a ninny have been stretching the truth beyond all recognition, apparently following the dictates of such techniques as “lie often enough and loud enough and people will think it’s the truth.” But, as they seem to have run into their own asses as they run in ever tighter circles, allow me to offer some advice on seeing those lies, no matter who starts making them, earlier on the next time.
Here it is: If an answer seems simple and easy to understand, and it feels really good to believe that it’s true, then it most certainly is false.
Sorry, but that’s the absolute truth about how things are. Backing up a step, here’s something else I’ve observed:
If someone tells you that he or she knows what god wants you to do, they’re selling you a bill of goods.
Those two behaviors, that is, believing what someone tells you about what god wants and giving in to the easy, feel-good solution, are what gets a society into the sort of hot water in which we currently find ourselves. It ain’t pretty, but it’s the truth. Since I’m on a roll, here are a few more true things:
It isn’t easy resisting the lure of easy solutions, but it’s the only way to succeed over time. You can do it fast, you can do it right, but you can’t do both at the same time. That’s true for building a new house and for solving a national problem.
It’s a dangerous world. The only security is in having the confidence that you’ll be able to figure out what to do when the crisis hits. That means thinking about the downside of your situation and deciding what you’re going to do when it hits full force. Or, as I like to say, prepare for the worst and it will never happen. (Because it won’t be the worst any more.) Murphy’s law is often quoted as a joke, but it’s true: “anything that can possibly go wrong, will go wrong.” If you figure out what can possibly go wrong and prepare for when it happens, it won’t be so bad at the time. You’ll never get security from your government; they’re a tool you can use, not a solution.
You will pay taxes. There is no getting around that fact. There is solid biological research (Space and the Strategy of Life by John C. Calhoun, National Institutes of Health, for example) that points out that double the population will require more than double the amount of government intervention. This is true of rabbits, wolves, lions, and, well, humans. Sorry, but that is an actual fact. Also, whatever you may have heard to the contrary, the income tax is legal and constitutional.
Heck, I could go on. People believe the damnedest things. I’ve heard that the Postal Service wastes taxpayer money (it hasn’t used any since 1972); that I-95 runs through Las Vegas Nevada (?!?) and other ridiculous claims, and I really don’t have the time nor the patience to remember them all, much less try to refute them. Sorry if I’ve been tedious this week; it isn’t my intention. If you want, go read the companion funny article again. See, I’m not all that serious!
Now, to my topic, without the exaggeration and satiric wit added. I think it is interesting that the conservative movement has finally seen through Bush II. I might note that it took them long enough. I think that a part of it is due to a major weakness of idealistic thinking, which is of course endemic to my generation. If you have high ideals, you tend simply not to see anything that conflicts with those ideals. I know that “high ideals” is one of those things that are supposed to be wonderful, but in practice they tend to be quite the opposite. The Nazi Party had very high ideals indeed, high enough that they were, in a historic sense, easy to defeat when it came down to it. (I didn’t say it wasn’t horrible difficult work, but compared to, say, the hundred years war it was over rather quickly.) Our President and the hard-core of his supporters are idealists. Each knows what god wants him or her to do, one way or another. Jesus is the driving force behind the great crusade to remake the world as a moral and upstanding, not to mention democratic, place. The trouble with a group of people knowing what god wants them to do is that god always seems to have different ideas for each person, even though every person seems to assume that god’s plan for them is the same plan god has whipped up for every one of them. So, Bush’s hard-core supporters deluded themselves in their idealism into thinking that he would support just what they (each one of them, I mean) wanted him to support. Instead, like everyone seems to, Bush listens to his own conscience, or god, or dad, or mom, or whatever it is, and ends up disappointing a great many people.
For the record, the Republican Party has never been for States’ Rights. Lincoln got a whole lot of Americans on both sides killed in his successful effort against that idea. In fact, at the time of its founding, the Republican Party was the progressive arm of the body politic. They said they would open up the west, build a railroad, link the country with telegraph lines, abolish slavery and create a new society and, if you look at history, you’ll see that is exactly what they did. What those republicans would think of President Bush is of course moot, but I have to believe that at least some of them would be a tad bemused at what’s been going on. Not that everything has been un-Republican in spirit. Lincoln suspended bits of the Constitution he found inconvenient, and he’s got a beautiful memorial with his words etched into the walls and his face on the fiver. Republicans have always stood for a strong central government and uniformity across the States. Until Reagan, of course, they never out-and-out lied about it. I’m not sure Reagan lied about it, in fact I’m not sure he said anything truly substantive in eight years, but his supporters lied about it then and now. Since I’ve read American History, I was pretty sure that GW Bush would increase the size of government, centralize power, and run up an amazingly large deficit. That’s what effective Republican Presidents have been doing ever since Lincoln. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. It’s just not what was promised in the campaigns.
But, too bad for W, the conservative movement has caught on to the fact that they have been deceived. Well, as I said, it’s about time after all. It’s not conservatism that I mind, or liberalism; it’s lies. It’s common to hear the truth stretched by government officials, but in the past couple of decades, the people who are probably ultimately responsible for the fact that the President looks like a ninny have been stretching the truth beyond all recognition, apparently following the dictates of such techniques as “lie often enough and loud enough and people will think it’s the truth.” But, as they seem to have run into their own asses as they run in ever tighter circles, allow me to offer some advice on seeing those lies, no matter who starts making them, earlier on the next time.
Here it is: If an answer seems simple and easy to understand, and it feels really good to believe that it’s true, then it most certainly is false.
Sorry, but that’s the absolute truth about how things are. Backing up a step, here’s something else I’ve observed:
If someone tells you that he or she knows what god wants you to do, they’re selling you a bill of goods.
Those two behaviors, that is, believing what someone tells you about what god wants and giving in to the easy, feel-good solution, are what gets a society into the sort of hot water in which we currently find ourselves. It ain’t pretty, but it’s the truth. Since I’m on a roll, here are a few more true things:
It isn’t easy resisting the lure of easy solutions, but it’s the only way to succeed over time. You can do it fast, you can do it right, but you can’t do both at the same time. That’s true for building a new house and for solving a national problem.
It’s a dangerous world. The only security is in having the confidence that you’ll be able to figure out what to do when the crisis hits. That means thinking about the downside of your situation and deciding what you’re going to do when it hits full force. Or, as I like to say, prepare for the worst and it will never happen. (Because it won’t be the worst any more.) Murphy’s law is often quoted as a joke, but it’s true: “anything that can possibly go wrong, will go wrong.” If you figure out what can possibly go wrong and prepare for when it happens, it won’t be so bad at the time. You’ll never get security from your government; they’re a tool you can use, not a solution.
You will pay taxes. There is no getting around that fact. There is solid biological research (Space and the Strategy of Life by John C. Calhoun, National Institutes of Health, for example) that points out that double the population will require more than double the amount of government intervention. This is true of rabbits, wolves, lions, and, well, humans. Sorry, but that is an actual fact. Also, whatever you may have heard to the contrary, the income tax is legal and constitutional.
Heck, I could go on. People believe the damnedest things. I’ve heard that the Postal Service wastes taxpayer money (it hasn’t used any since 1972); that I-95 runs through Las Vegas Nevada (?!?) and other ridiculous claims, and I really don’t have the time nor the patience to remember them all, much less try to refute them. Sorry if I’ve been tedious this week; it isn’t my intention. If you want, go read the companion funny article again. See, I’m not all that serious!
