Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Will Rogers Bites the Dust
"I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat." -- Will Rogers
I guess Will must've quit the party, wherever he is, or maybe the river Styx is setting up for a hockey tournament. Whichever it is, the Democrats are all of one voice this season. This is the first time that's happened since, well, since ever. I hope that they don't start taking themselves seriously. That's been the major difference between Dems and Reps: the more leftward party seems to have more fun. If they get serious then we really will have nothing but old, tired anglos, or people who like like old, tired anglos, running the country. That would be truly sad.
On the commentary front, I think one reason Gore lost was because he tried to distance himself from Clinton. I maybe can see why, but when you look at Clinton's numbers you realize that in spite of all the hot air spouted by his detractors, he was a pretty popular president. I note that Kerry is not making the same mistake. If they're smart, the DNC will run snippets of Willie's speech as campaign ads. The man sure knows how to deliver a speech, whatever else he might do.
later,
I guess Will must've quit the party, wherever he is, or maybe the river Styx is setting up for a hockey tournament. Whichever it is, the Democrats are all of one voice this season. This is the first time that's happened since, well, since ever. I hope that they don't start taking themselves seriously. That's been the major difference between Dems and Reps: the more leftward party seems to have more fun. If they get serious then we really will have nothing but old, tired anglos, or people who like like old, tired anglos, running the country. That would be truly sad.
On the commentary front, I think one reason Gore lost was because he tried to distance himself from Clinton. I maybe can see why, but when you look at Clinton's numbers you realize that in spite of all the hot air spouted by his detractors, he was a pretty popular president. I note that Kerry is not making the same mistake. If they're smart, the DNC will run snippets of Willie's speech as campaign ads. The man sure knows how to deliver a speech, whatever else he might do.
later,
Monday, July 12, 2004
Why I Hate Idealism
Another article I wrote but couldn't publish because it doesn't fit the Humor Page content guidelines. I made them up, but they're real, okay? Anyhow, here's another not funny, but I think also not particularly bitter or carping, article, which I originally gave the title I gave to this post:
WHY I HATE IDEALISM
By Steve Fey
I saw a program on PBS recently about The SS-Ahnenerbe; the Nazi “Ancestral Heritage Society.” That organization was on a quest to prove the myths of Atlantis, the Holy Grail and an ancient German master race. It was founded and run by Heinrich Himmler, who thought he was the reincarnation of Heinrich I, founder of the “First Reich” in 922. They developed a plan to eliminate Christianity from German society and replace it with the old Teutonic religion. They thought of themselves as a society of knights, seeking, among other things, the Holy Grail. Sometimes they dressed like Knights Templar and marched in awe-inspiring formation. They were very idealistic.
What the SS went on to accomplish is well documented in historical records. They fabricated evidence where they had to, measured body parts in Tibet, dug up skulls in Venezuela, and traveled the world in search of evidence of German superiority. I learned some new things about the Nazi belief system while I watched. Some of what I learned was fascinating. Some of what I learned was highly disturbing. Most of what I learned was both of those things. For example, the widow of a senior SS officer says on camera that Hitler “never wanted the war,” and further that “We never imagined that we could lose the war. It was a sort of Holy War.” (She said that Hitler just wanted to unite the German peoples.)
So Himmler and his SS are an extreme example of what happens when ideals are pursued with too much vigor. They are not the only example, of course. The single biggest conflict ever fought by an American army is the American Civil War. In those days, idealists were everywhere in America. And in principle, it’s easy to see the differences between the sides. Lincoln would do anything to preserve and strengthen the Union. The Confederacy would do anything to preserve "States’ Rights". Objectively, with the benefit of hindsight, things could probably have been worked out. Mr. Lincoln abandoned a number of Federal facilities in the South, for example, and there were voices of moderation on both sides that may have found a way to settle the issue without it turning into the bloodiest war in the history of North America.
Instead, the South Carolina militia fired on the Federal Fort Sumter, and the war was on. Why did they start that war? The North had many times more people, many times more wealth, and every banker in New England behind it. There was not a chance of the rebellion succeeding by armed force, and in fact it was only incompetent Union generals that allowed the Confederacy to survive as long as it did. Once some less idealistic, more pragmatic generals took over the fight, it was all over fairly quickly. Sherman marched to the sea, scorching the earth as he went, in order to end the war. It worked, too, although there is still lingering bitterness in parts of the United States over his march.
They started the war because they were fighting for principles, for honor, for the ideals of individual and state rights. Lincoln turned the tide of public opinion by making the war about slavery, a point bitterly recited by some people today, but really when he did so he was just illustrating his commitment to his own ideal, that of saving the Union. He said he’d do whatever it took to accomplish that goal, and he did it. The result of all the idealism in the Republic at that time was that a very significant portion of the men of fighting age were killed, mostly by disease and the rest by combat injuries. An even larger portion were disabled to some degree. This was especially true in the Confederacy, where some counties lost every male member of that generation. All for the sake of ideas.
History, at least modern history, abounds with examples of idealists starting wars and getting people killed. The Bolsheviks in Russia a century ago were idealists. They just knew that they couldn’t lose the election because history and destiny and the will of the people were on their side. When they lost in spite of all that, they staged a coup to set things right. Ultimately, they managed to kill more people than their idealist opponents in Germany. It seems that if you want a big dose of destruction and death, you might want to hire an idealist to set it up for you.
I can’t explain the phenomenon fully but I can speculate a bit as to why this is so. I think it goes back to the essential question every two-year-old asks when they figure out that they aren’t the entire universe. That question is, “Why the heck not?” Or, maybe it’s more something like “How do I prove my existence means anything?” I’m still waxing philosophical. Really the two-year-old is asking, “How do I get these people to give me what I want?” But, kids grow up, and as they do they add other layers to the basic questions and try to find the answers.
A lot of people try to find the answers in their work, or in literature, or in a lot of cases they just don’t know where to go for answers. These people are the ones that can be taken in, and there are plenty of takers-in to go around. Some of those who would take in those unsure of their meaning are people who for one reason or another did most of their searching internally. Through study, meditation, struggle, these people have managed to draw seemingly meaningful and effective conclusions about their own lives. Being highly introspective, they tend to think that other people must be in a similar condition, and must therefore be suffering the same life crises. These people have grown up to be idealists.
Lots of people grow up to be idealists, but if you’re smart, charismatic, quick-witted, and observant, you can figure out how to influence others to support your point of view. That is where idealism passes from being simply a response to individual experience to being a coercive and quite likely destructive force.
If you set up an ideal set of reasons for existence, the chances are excellent that you’ve missed something. For one thing, no one can possibly know everything, so there is bound to be a lot of data that you’ve never seen. Then you become blind to any possible contradictory evidence, and if you’re a Himmler your subordinates will hide it from you anyway. Before you know it you’re marching from the Capitol to fire on the Federal troops and the war is on, as it were. Actually, if you’re really Himmler, you’re rounding up “inferior” races and trying to eliminate them, all for a noble cause.
So, what would I do about the dangers of idealism? Here are a few ideas.
· If the person’s ideals involve meeting with some Supreme Being or other to live in happiness forever, I say we help them along right away.
· If the person has simple, easy to understand, emotionally satisfying answers to difficult questions, I say we laugh at them until they either jump off a cliff or simply go away.
· Anytime you hear someone say that what they are doing is best for “the people”, or “the spirit of _________”, or for any more or less abstract concept, run away fast. They’re selling you something, and you ultimately won’t like it at all.
It seems to me that if everyone concentrated on working on whatever part of the world they were in, trying to be helpful and contributing where they could, and didn’t worry so much about ideas and grand notions, the world would be a much better place.
Heck, It would be close to ideal!
WHY I HATE IDEALISM
By Steve Fey
I saw a program on PBS recently about The SS-Ahnenerbe; the Nazi “Ancestral Heritage Society.” That organization was on a quest to prove the myths of Atlantis, the Holy Grail and an ancient German master race. It was founded and run by Heinrich Himmler, who thought he was the reincarnation of Heinrich I, founder of the “First Reich” in 922. They developed a plan to eliminate Christianity from German society and replace it with the old Teutonic religion. They thought of themselves as a society of knights, seeking, among other things, the Holy Grail. Sometimes they dressed like Knights Templar and marched in awe-inspiring formation. They were very idealistic.
What the SS went on to accomplish is well documented in historical records. They fabricated evidence where they had to, measured body parts in Tibet, dug up skulls in Venezuela, and traveled the world in search of evidence of German superiority. I learned some new things about the Nazi belief system while I watched. Some of what I learned was fascinating. Some of what I learned was highly disturbing. Most of what I learned was both of those things. For example, the widow of a senior SS officer says on camera that Hitler “never wanted the war,” and further that “We never imagined that we could lose the war. It was a sort of Holy War.” (She said that Hitler just wanted to unite the German peoples.)
So Himmler and his SS are an extreme example of what happens when ideals are pursued with too much vigor. They are not the only example, of course. The single biggest conflict ever fought by an American army is the American Civil War. In those days, idealists were everywhere in America. And in principle, it’s easy to see the differences between the sides. Lincoln would do anything to preserve and strengthen the Union. The Confederacy would do anything to preserve "States’ Rights". Objectively, with the benefit of hindsight, things could probably have been worked out. Mr. Lincoln abandoned a number of Federal facilities in the South, for example, and there were voices of moderation on both sides that may have found a way to settle the issue without it turning into the bloodiest war in the history of North America.
Instead, the South Carolina militia fired on the Federal Fort Sumter, and the war was on. Why did they start that war? The North had many times more people, many times more wealth, and every banker in New England behind it. There was not a chance of the rebellion succeeding by armed force, and in fact it was only incompetent Union generals that allowed the Confederacy to survive as long as it did. Once some less idealistic, more pragmatic generals took over the fight, it was all over fairly quickly. Sherman marched to the sea, scorching the earth as he went, in order to end the war. It worked, too, although there is still lingering bitterness in parts of the United States over his march.
They started the war because they were fighting for principles, for honor, for the ideals of individual and state rights. Lincoln turned the tide of public opinion by making the war about slavery, a point bitterly recited by some people today, but really when he did so he was just illustrating his commitment to his own ideal, that of saving the Union. He said he’d do whatever it took to accomplish that goal, and he did it. The result of all the idealism in the Republic at that time was that a very significant portion of the men of fighting age were killed, mostly by disease and the rest by combat injuries. An even larger portion were disabled to some degree. This was especially true in the Confederacy, where some counties lost every male member of that generation. All for the sake of ideas.
History, at least modern history, abounds with examples of idealists starting wars and getting people killed. The Bolsheviks in Russia a century ago were idealists. They just knew that they couldn’t lose the election because history and destiny and the will of the people were on their side. When they lost in spite of all that, they staged a coup to set things right. Ultimately, they managed to kill more people than their idealist opponents in Germany. It seems that if you want a big dose of destruction and death, you might want to hire an idealist to set it up for you.
I can’t explain the phenomenon fully but I can speculate a bit as to why this is so. I think it goes back to the essential question every two-year-old asks when they figure out that they aren’t the entire universe. That question is, “Why the heck not?” Or, maybe it’s more something like “How do I prove my existence means anything?” I’m still waxing philosophical. Really the two-year-old is asking, “How do I get these people to give me what I want?” But, kids grow up, and as they do they add other layers to the basic questions and try to find the answers.
A lot of people try to find the answers in their work, or in literature, or in a lot of cases they just don’t know where to go for answers. These people are the ones that can be taken in, and there are plenty of takers-in to go around. Some of those who would take in those unsure of their meaning are people who for one reason or another did most of their searching internally. Through study, meditation, struggle, these people have managed to draw seemingly meaningful and effective conclusions about their own lives. Being highly introspective, they tend to think that other people must be in a similar condition, and must therefore be suffering the same life crises. These people have grown up to be idealists.
Lots of people grow up to be idealists, but if you’re smart, charismatic, quick-witted, and observant, you can figure out how to influence others to support your point of view. That is where idealism passes from being simply a response to individual experience to being a coercive and quite likely destructive force.
If you set up an ideal set of reasons for existence, the chances are excellent that you’ve missed something. For one thing, no one can possibly know everything, so there is bound to be a lot of data that you’ve never seen. Then you become blind to any possible contradictory evidence, and if you’re a Himmler your subordinates will hide it from you anyway. Before you know it you’re marching from the Capitol to fire on the Federal troops and the war is on, as it were. Actually, if you’re really Himmler, you’re rounding up “inferior” races and trying to eliminate them, all for a noble cause.
So, what would I do about the dangers of idealism? Here are a few ideas.
· If the person’s ideals involve meeting with some Supreme Being or other to live in happiness forever, I say we help them along right away.
· If the person has simple, easy to understand, emotionally satisfying answers to difficult questions, I say we laugh at them until they either jump off a cliff or simply go away.
· Anytime you hear someone say that what they are doing is best for “the people”, or “the spirit of _________”, or for any more or less abstract concept, run away fast. They’re selling you something, and you ultimately won’t like it at all.
It seems to me that if everyone concentrated on working on whatever part of the world they were in, trying to be helpful and contributing where they could, and didn’t worry so much about ideas and grand notions, the world would be a much better place.
Heck, It would be close to ideal!
Sunday, July 11, 2004
I Just Got Back from Vegas
I was in Las Vegas Friday for an interview. While there, I got to see four guys who'd been drunk at 11PM the night before, drunker at 6:30 AM. I got an article out of it, which is good. The incident also made me think that Las Vegas is probably a very virtuous town, because in Vegas you're good because you're motivated to be, not good because you have no choice. It seems to me that having no temptation to overcome is a good way to lead a dull life, and to do a lot of evil. A lot of vices are best kept out in the open, but I seem to be in the minority in that opinion.
Oh, if only the whole world thought like me, huh?
Oh, if only the whole world thought like me, huh?
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
AMERICA, OR SOMETHING LIKE IT
Here's a rant I've never published because, well, it really ain't funny. So I'm posting it here. That's what this blog is for, right?
*****
Seriously, folks, I’m not sure how much sheer idiocy this country can stand, but I’m afraid we’re going to find out. Here are some true facts about the United States of America.
· We call ourselves, with pride, the land of the free.
o We have a greater percentage of our citizens in jail than any other country. More even than Joe Stalin locked away.
o We’re free, so long as we don’t smoke the wrong weeds, or buy unlicensed drugs, or don’t commit the horrible crime of being poor.
· We recite the words “and justice for all” every day, or at least make our children do it in school.
o If you like your cocaine pure, you’ll get a slap on the wrist if you’re caught. Chances are you’ve got money, too, because that stuff is expensive.
o If you like crack cocaine because it’s cheap and you can afford it, if you’re caught you’re looking at some hard time. (Try not to be poor if you can help it.)
o If you’re accused of dealing illegal drugs, your property can be seized and sold and the money given to law enforcement. If you’re subsequently acquitted, that’s too bad for you because they don’t have to give you back a thing.
Again, look at that set of idiocies. Come on, folks, are you worried about possible erosion of personal liberties due to the threat of terrorism? Well, you should be, because the last point above sounds like a form of terrorism to me. The trouble with all that stuff is that I thought we were supposed to be better than all that. We’re supposed to be an informed electorate too, but just look at what’s happening.
A judge in Alabama gets fired because he violated a Federal court order. He immediately rants on about the “biblical foundation for our laws” and vows that the “fight is just beginning.” If only that were the case. If you can handle it, here’s the truth.
The people who framed our constitution mentioned god quite a bit, but not once in that document. They didn’t think of themselves as Christians at all, in fact. They were, in their own words, “Rational Deists.” They called god the “Primum Mobile” or “Prime Mover” (I suppose the Latin version sounds more intellectual) and believed that once the universe was all set up and put into motion, the creator no longer intervened, but just sat back to see how his invention worked. They had Christian backgrounds, for sure, but I don’t think that a disinterested creator is what Focus on the Family preaches about.
The thing is, our constitution was, to quote the preamble, “ordain(ed) and establish(ed)” by “We the People of the United States of America.” See, we did it ourselves. Sure, they invoked the creator’s guidance (without much hope of receiving it, to judge by their theology) but it was “People” who wrote our government. That’s why we have so many lawyers, folks. With no divine mandate for our government, no holy book telling us what to believe, it’s up to us, the spiritual descendants of Adams, Jefferson et al to interpret what that document means. If that’s not to your liking, may I suggest a nation with an established religion and a government that rules, they say, by divine right. Great Britain, for example, where the Queen’s motto is “God and My Right”, in French of course.
Oh, yes, we fought to be independent from them, didn’t we? Why do you suppose we did that? To get away from divinely sanctioned government, among other things. It’s a tragedy that the world doesn’t conform to our idealistic views of what it should be, but it doesn’t. It’s tragic that other people don’t see the wisdom of our beliefs, but they don’t. They won’t. Why should they? They’ve got wonderful beliefs of their own, and to them it’s tragic that we don’t see the wisdom in their world view. What we’ve got, that nobody else ever had before we got it, is a set of shared rules of, by, and for us humans. God, whatever you see that as being, may be the best thing in the universe. May be the universe for all I know, but no god wrote our constitution. OK?
I think that the entire war on drugs is probably a crock. But, if we’re going to enforce drug laws, why not apply them fairly? I’ll bet a lot of people don’t know how drugs got to be illegal in the first place. Here’s some more true facts, then.
Opium was a favorite drug among Chinese immigrants. The anti-opium laws were marketed as a means to keep the yellow menace “under control.” I wish I was making that up, or at least exaggerating, but it’s simply the truth. Newspaper editorials of the time referred to the Chinese as “the yellow menace.” I like to remember that while I’m eating my sweet and sour chicken.
Cocaine was sold as a danger to society after some poor black guy went crazy and killed a bunch of people. He was using cocaine at the time, so of course we had to outlaw cocaine to protect “our negro citizens” as some people were referred to at the time. From what I don’t know, but to this day the poor black guy smoking crack gets hard time, while the white so-and-so movie star snorting the regular stuff gets put into rehab. Nice how things get better, isn’t it?
That leaves marijuana as the last of the original illegal substances to be made such. Marijuana is a Mexican term for hemp leaves. It means, as if you didn’t know, Mary Jane. Why Mary Jane I have no idea. But, again, there was a dire threat posed to our society by a group of people who liked to smoke a bit of the stuff. Guess who that was? (Save yourself time – guess Latino migrants.)
Now, we have a situation where, in apparent defiance of the constitution we wrote, someone suspected of selling any of the above or one of another illegal drugs can have his property seized without compensation. We have a multi-billion dollar industry devoted to imprisoning record numbers of our fellow citizens. It’s hard to see how the war against terrorism can erode that many more rights, but I’m sure the people behind it will try to find a way.
By the way, we also execute a lot more people than any other country. Killing people to solve problems: a proven way to get ahead. Just ask Joe Stalin, or that Hitler guy. Fine examples for the new America, apparently.
*****
Seriously, folks, I’m not sure how much sheer idiocy this country can stand, but I’m afraid we’re going to find out. Here are some true facts about the United States of America.
· We call ourselves, with pride, the land of the free.
o We have a greater percentage of our citizens in jail than any other country. More even than Joe Stalin locked away.
o We’re free, so long as we don’t smoke the wrong weeds, or buy unlicensed drugs, or don’t commit the horrible crime of being poor.
· We recite the words “and justice for all” every day, or at least make our children do it in school.
o If you like your cocaine pure, you’ll get a slap on the wrist if you’re caught. Chances are you’ve got money, too, because that stuff is expensive.
o If you like crack cocaine because it’s cheap and you can afford it, if you’re caught you’re looking at some hard time. (Try not to be poor if you can help it.)
o If you’re accused of dealing illegal drugs, your property can be seized and sold and the money given to law enforcement. If you’re subsequently acquitted, that’s too bad for you because they don’t have to give you back a thing.
Again, look at that set of idiocies. Come on, folks, are you worried about possible erosion of personal liberties due to the threat of terrorism? Well, you should be, because the last point above sounds like a form of terrorism to me. The trouble with all that stuff is that I thought we were supposed to be better than all that. We’re supposed to be an informed electorate too, but just look at what’s happening.
A judge in Alabama gets fired because he violated a Federal court order. He immediately rants on about the “biblical foundation for our laws” and vows that the “fight is just beginning.” If only that were the case. If you can handle it, here’s the truth.
The people who framed our constitution mentioned god quite a bit, but not once in that document. They didn’t think of themselves as Christians at all, in fact. They were, in their own words, “Rational Deists.” They called god the “Primum Mobile” or “Prime Mover” (I suppose the Latin version sounds more intellectual) and believed that once the universe was all set up and put into motion, the creator no longer intervened, but just sat back to see how his invention worked. They had Christian backgrounds, for sure, but I don’t think that a disinterested creator is what Focus on the Family preaches about.
The thing is, our constitution was, to quote the preamble, “ordain(ed) and establish(ed)” by “We the People of the United States of America.” See, we did it ourselves. Sure, they invoked the creator’s guidance (without much hope of receiving it, to judge by their theology) but it was “People” who wrote our government. That’s why we have so many lawyers, folks. With no divine mandate for our government, no holy book telling us what to believe, it’s up to us, the spiritual descendants of Adams, Jefferson et al to interpret what that document means. If that’s not to your liking, may I suggest a nation with an established religion and a government that rules, they say, by divine right. Great Britain, for example, where the Queen’s motto is “God and My Right”, in French of course.
Oh, yes, we fought to be independent from them, didn’t we? Why do you suppose we did that? To get away from divinely sanctioned government, among other things. It’s a tragedy that the world doesn’t conform to our idealistic views of what it should be, but it doesn’t. It’s tragic that other people don’t see the wisdom of our beliefs, but they don’t. They won’t. Why should they? They’ve got wonderful beliefs of their own, and to them it’s tragic that we don’t see the wisdom in their world view. What we’ve got, that nobody else ever had before we got it, is a set of shared rules of, by, and for us humans. God, whatever you see that as being, may be the best thing in the universe. May be the universe for all I know, but no god wrote our constitution. OK?
I think that the entire war on drugs is probably a crock. But, if we’re going to enforce drug laws, why not apply them fairly? I’ll bet a lot of people don’t know how drugs got to be illegal in the first place. Here’s some more true facts, then.
Opium was a favorite drug among Chinese immigrants. The anti-opium laws were marketed as a means to keep the yellow menace “under control.” I wish I was making that up, or at least exaggerating, but it’s simply the truth. Newspaper editorials of the time referred to the Chinese as “the yellow menace.” I like to remember that while I’m eating my sweet and sour chicken.
Cocaine was sold as a danger to society after some poor black guy went crazy and killed a bunch of people. He was using cocaine at the time, so of course we had to outlaw cocaine to protect “our negro citizens” as some people were referred to at the time. From what I don’t know, but to this day the poor black guy smoking crack gets hard time, while the white so-and-so movie star snorting the regular stuff gets put into rehab. Nice how things get better, isn’t it?
That leaves marijuana as the last of the original illegal substances to be made such. Marijuana is a Mexican term for hemp leaves. It means, as if you didn’t know, Mary Jane. Why Mary Jane I have no idea. But, again, there was a dire threat posed to our society by a group of people who liked to smoke a bit of the stuff. Guess who that was? (Save yourself time – guess Latino migrants.)
Now, we have a situation where, in apparent defiance of the constitution we wrote, someone suspected of selling any of the above or one of another illegal drugs can have his property seized without compensation. We have a multi-billion dollar industry devoted to imprisoning record numbers of our fellow citizens. It’s hard to see how the war against terrorism can erode that many more rights, but I’m sure the people behind it will try to find a way.
By the way, we also execute a lot more people than any other country. Killing people to solve problems: a proven way to get ahead. Just ask Joe Stalin, or that Hitler guy. Fine examples for the new America, apparently.
Friday, July 02, 2004
Computer Security
I think, as a public service, I will reprint here a short essay about computer security that's published on my main web page. You can go to the original article from the front page of the Humor Page linked on my first post, or you can just read this, verbatim from my Humor Page:
A REAL DISCUSSION OF COMPUTER SECURITY
By Steve Fey
No jokes here, and no links back to the rest of my website, either. If you got here from outside, I’m sorry about that. If you got here from my website, just close this window when you’re done.
Actually, even though I make jokes about Apple Computer, and Linux, and Windows worms, the truth is that there are plenty of people in the world nasty enough to use your computer for things like "getting at" some company they don’t like. Some times the nasty program that comes in the mail is only for some guy’s amusement, or he’s trying to impress his friends. Some of these jokers claim that they do it to toughen security, by pointing out weaknesses. Sure they do, and I was just speeding to test your radar gun, officer.
Here is a description of some of what can happen if you actually get infected by one of these programs.
· Your computer can be used by someone else you don’t even know as a source for more mischief. The worm I talk about in the article from January 28, 2004 is one of this type. It mails itself to everyone you know, and then uses your computer to "get at" a company the writer apparently doesn’t like. Nice, huh?
· You may find your computer damaged in some way. This could be something small, like your browser window will now default to "HotSweatyPornCows.com." It might be that all of the data on your hard drive will be erased. Usually it’s something between those two extremes, but whatever it is, you don’t need it, trust me.
· Somebody may just poke around your computer until they find your personal data, then steal your identity. Maybe you’ve got a file with all of your passwords listed in it, including the one to your bank account? They’ll read that, just before they browse on over to your bank’s website.
YOIKS!
Yeah, huh? But what about Windows versus, for instance, a Mac? There is a difference in virus infection, and that’s no lie. But, you must remember one thing: this is not because a Macintosh computer is inherently immune to viruses! If you think that, then you’re going to be rudely surprised someday because it’s just as easy to write some piece of nasty programming for the Mac as for any other computer. Apple runs ads that imply that their computers are somehow above all that, but the truth is that they say it in such a way that it’s technically not a lie, but it's misleading. Like President Clinton, they know how to use language to split hairs. All it takes is one evil genius to decide he hates Apple, and your machine is toast. So, if you have a Mac, I urge you to keep reading and heed my advice. That’s because the real reason Macs don’t get a lot of viruses is that they only make up five percent of the computers in use! If that percentage grows, so will the number of Mac viruses.
Linux on a home computer? (Hey, I’ve used it.) You’re probably safe from viruses, because there are so darned few Linux desktops in the world that nobody would be likely to go to the trouble. If you run a Linux server then you already know that plenty of jerks try to mess with Linux, and you probably already know how to protect yourself. I wouldn’t ever let up, if I were you.
SO? WHAT DO YOU DO?
There are two basic things you can do to protect yourself. Buy some software to protect you, and be smart when you use your computer.
Software
The two kinds of software you need are Anti-Virus software and a Personal Firewall. If you have a dial-up connection, you might be able to skip the firewall, but I wouldn’t. They aren’t expensive.
· Anti-Virus Software is a program that has a database of known harmful programs (viruses) and the ability to block them, or oftentimes remove them from your system. That database needs to be kept up to date, which you can do for free if you log onto the anti-virus software company’s website, or usually you can pay a small fee, like twenty dollars a year, and your computer will keep itself updated automatically. That twenty dollars is money well spent. The two biggest sellers are Norton Anti-Virus from Symantec Corp., and McAffee Anti-Virus from Network Associates, but there are others. The key thing to remember is to keep the database current. New nasties are released almost daily.
· A Personal Firewall is a program that screens out other computers or people trying to connect to your computer. Just like the commercial firewall programs used by big corporations, these personal firewalls can be adjusted to admit or exclude various people or machines. New operating systems, like Windows XP or the MacOS X, have personal firewalls built in. With the built-in firewalls, though, you might have to know more about how the Internet works than you’d care to find out in order to make them work just the way you’d like them to. There are some commercial firewalls available that are simpler, like the one called Black Ice, or the one available in the Norton Systems Utilities package. There are some almost free ones available for download on the Internet, but you really do need to know how the Internet works to use them.
Be Smart When You Use Your Computer
This is free, which is usually a good thing. Malicious software isn’t aimed at you personally, it’s just let free to go where it can. That means that you have to be alert for signs that a bit of such stuff has gotten into your system.
· If something seems to download when you first go to a website, then some button appears in a window that says "click here to continue" or something like that, it’s a program that is up to no good. Close the window and run your virus-checker immediately.
· If you don’t know what an e-mail attachment is, no matter how innocent it looks, just delete it. If it’s from someone you know and they really want you to have it and can assure you that it’s safe, they’ll send it again after you contact them, trust me.
· See if you can figure out how to use the filters on your email program. All email programs have some ability to allow or not allow some types of mail, or to set rules about which folder certain mail is going to be put into. Use the rules, maybe putting all the mail from people you know and trust into one folder so you can look at them individually. Then remember that worms and viruses like to pretend they’re someone they’re not. If you get mail from someone you know with an attachment you weren’t expecting, delete it. Then write them and ask about it. Odds are that they’re not as smart as you and they’ve gotten an infected system.
SPYWARE
There is one more thing you should know about security. Spyware is a program that installs itself on your computer and watches what you do, reporting whatever it’s supposed to report back to wherever it’s supposed to report it. There are more than one kind of Spyware. The first you might even want to keep, but that’s up to you.
Cookies are tiny little text files left on your computer by websites. Some of them are just to let the website know that you’re a repeat visitor. Some of them store your logon information to that particular site, which can be very convenient, but is one of the things that guy I talked about above will want to steal. And some of them are gathering information to be used in marketing to you all sorts of things, some of which you might find a tad disgusting. You can adjust your browser to accept different levels of cookies. Mine, for instance, won’t allow them from a site other than the one I’m on, which cuts down on a lot of sneaky nonsense. (Some sites, for money I suppose, "set" cookies for other sites.) And I still occasionally go in and clean out any ones I think look suspicious. A cookie only operates by being read when you connect to a website.
Active Spyware is an actual program. Also downloaded from websites, usually at least, it collects data from your computer, as stated above. This stuff can’t be good. No matter what data it’s collecting, do you want it sent to who-knows-where? These are the sort of programs that can steal your identity and do who-knows-what with it.
You can get rid of Spyware with a program such as Lavasoft Ad-Aware, available for free from the Lavasoft website at http://www.lavasoft.de/. Ad-Aware will scan your system and remove any spyware it finds. (It asks you first if it’s okay to remove what it thinks is bad. This is handy, as a few system items occasionally are mistaken for Spyware.) I’d highly recommend downloading and using this program. It also checks for and loads updates to its database from time to time, just like the virus checking software. If you buy the full version (the free version won't run automatically), it will watch for Spyware, just like a virus checker watches for viruses, and you won’t ever have to mess with it.
THAT’S IT!
Use a virus-checker, a firewall, and a Spyware remover, and you’ll be as secure as can be expected. Security on the Internet is really just like security in your home. If someone wants badly enough to break into your system, they can find a way to do it. But, nobody who does that sort of thing actually cares about your system in particular. All you have to do is make it relatively less convenient to get into your computer than it is to get into the one owned by that guy down the block with the loud Go-Kart. See? Easy.
______________________________
I intended the above to be a part of my computer service blog, but it never hurts to repeat some things.
A REAL DISCUSSION OF COMPUTER SECURITY
By Steve Fey
No jokes here, and no links back to the rest of my website, either. If you got here from outside, I’m sorry about that. If you got here from my website, just close this window when you’re done.
Actually, even though I make jokes about Apple Computer, and Linux, and Windows worms, the truth is that there are plenty of people in the world nasty enough to use your computer for things like "getting at" some company they don’t like. Some times the nasty program that comes in the mail is only for some guy’s amusement, or he’s trying to impress his friends. Some of these jokers claim that they do it to toughen security, by pointing out weaknesses. Sure they do, and I was just speeding to test your radar gun, officer.
Here is a description of some of what can happen if you actually get infected by one of these programs.
· Your computer can be used by someone else you don’t even know as a source for more mischief. The worm I talk about in the article from January 28, 2004 is one of this type. It mails itself to everyone you know, and then uses your computer to "get at" a company the writer apparently doesn’t like. Nice, huh?
· You may find your computer damaged in some way. This could be something small, like your browser window will now default to "HotSweatyPornCows.com." It might be that all of the data on your hard drive will be erased. Usually it’s something between those two extremes, but whatever it is, you don’t need it, trust me.
· Somebody may just poke around your computer until they find your personal data, then steal your identity. Maybe you’ve got a file with all of your passwords listed in it, including the one to your bank account? They’ll read that, just before they browse on over to your bank’s website.
YOIKS!
Yeah, huh? But what about Windows versus, for instance, a Mac? There is a difference in virus infection, and that’s no lie. But, you must remember one thing: this is not because a Macintosh computer is inherently immune to viruses! If you think that, then you’re going to be rudely surprised someday because it’s just as easy to write some piece of nasty programming for the Mac as for any other computer. Apple runs ads that imply that their computers are somehow above all that, but the truth is that they say it in such a way that it’s technically not a lie, but it's misleading. Like President Clinton, they know how to use language to split hairs. All it takes is one evil genius to decide he hates Apple, and your machine is toast. So, if you have a Mac, I urge you to keep reading and heed my advice. That’s because the real reason Macs don’t get a lot of viruses is that they only make up five percent of the computers in use! If that percentage grows, so will the number of Mac viruses.
Linux on a home computer? (Hey, I’ve used it.) You’re probably safe from viruses, because there are so darned few Linux desktops in the world that nobody would be likely to go to the trouble. If you run a Linux server then you already know that plenty of jerks try to mess with Linux, and you probably already know how to protect yourself. I wouldn’t ever let up, if I were you.
SO? WHAT DO YOU DO?
There are two basic things you can do to protect yourself. Buy some software to protect you, and be smart when you use your computer.
Software
The two kinds of software you need are Anti-Virus software and a Personal Firewall. If you have a dial-up connection, you might be able to skip the firewall, but I wouldn’t. They aren’t expensive.
· Anti-Virus Software is a program that has a database of known harmful programs (viruses) and the ability to block them, or oftentimes remove them from your system. That database needs to be kept up to date, which you can do for free if you log onto the anti-virus software company’s website, or usually you can pay a small fee, like twenty dollars a year, and your computer will keep itself updated automatically. That twenty dollars is money well spent. The two biggest sellers are Norton Anti-Virus from Symantec Corp., and McAffee Anti-Virus from Network Associates, but there are others. The key thing to remember is to keep the database current. New nasties are released almost daily.
· A Personal Firewall is a program that screens out other computers or people trying to connect to your computer. Just like the commercial firewall programs used by big corporations, these personal firewalls can be adjusted to admit or exclude various people or machines. New operating systems, like Windows XP or the MacOS X, have personal firewalls built in. With the built-in firewalls, though, you might have to know more about how the Internet works than you’d care to find out in order to make them work just the way you’d like them to. There are some commercial firewalls available that are simpler, like the one called Black Ice, or the one available in the Norton Systems Utilities package. There are some almost free ones available for download on the Internet, but you really do need to know how the Internet works to use them.
Be Smart When You Use Your Computer
This is free, which is usually a good thing. Malicious software isn’t aimed at you personally, it’s just let free to go where it can. That means that you have to be alert for signs that a bit of such stuff has gotten into your system.
· If something seems to download when you first go to a website, then some button appears in a window that says "click here to continue" or something like that, it’s a program that is up to no good. Close the window and run your virus-checker immediately.
· If you don’t know what an e-mail attachment is, no matter how innocent it looks, just delete it. If it’s from someone you know and they really want you to have it and can assure you that it’s safe, they’ll send it again after you contact them, trust me.
· See if you can figure out how to use the filters on your email program. All email programs have some ability to allow or not allow some types of mail, or to set rules about which folder certain mail is going to be put into. Use the rules, maybe putting all the mail from people you know and trust into one folder so you can look at them individually. Then remember that worms and viruses like to pretend they’re someone they’re not. If you get mail from someone you know with an attachment you weren’t expecting, delete it. Then write them and ask about it. Odds are that they’re not as smart as you and they’ve gotten an infected system.
SPYWARE
There is one more thing you should know about security. Spyware is a program that installs itself on your computer and watches what you do, reporting whatever it’s supposed to report back to wherever it’s supposed to report it. There are more than one kind of Spyware. The first you might even want to keep, but that’s up to you.
Cookies are tiny little text files left on your computer by websites. Some of them are just to let the website know that you’re a repeat visitor. Some of them store your logon information to that particular site, which can be very convenient, but is one of the things that guy I talked about above will want to steal. And some of them are gathering information to be used in marketing to you all sorts of things, some of which you might find a tad disgusting. You can adjust your browser to accept different levels of cookies. Mine, for instance, won’t allow them from a site other than the one I’m on, which cuts down on a lot of sneaky nonsense. (Some sites, for money I suppose, "set" cookies for other sites.) And I still occasionally go in and clean out any ones I think look suspicious. A cookie only operates by being read when you connect to a website.
Active Spyware is an actual program. Also downloaded from websites, usually at least, it collects data from your computer, as stated above. This stuff can’t be good. No matter what data it’s collecting, do you want it sent to who-knows-where? These are the sort of programs that can steal your identity and do who-knows-what with it.
You can get rid of Spyware with a program such as Lavasoft Ad-Aware, available for free from the Lavasoft website at http://www.lavasoft.de/. Ad-Aware will scan your system and remove any spyware it finds. (It asks you first if it’s okay to remove what it thinks is bad. This is handy, as a few system items occasionally are mistaken for Spyware.) I’d highly recommend downloading and using this program. It also checks for and loads updates to its database from time to time, just like the virus checking software. If you buy the full version (the free version won't run automatically), it will watch for Spyware, just like a virus checker watches for viruses, and you won’t ever have to mess with it.
THAT’S IT!
Use a virus-checker, a firewall, and a Spyware remover, and you’ll be as secure as can be expected. Security on the Internet is really just like security in your home. If someone wants badly enough to break into your system, they can find a way to do it. But, nobody who does that sort of thing actually cares about your system in particular. All you have to do is make it relatively less convenient to get into your computer than it is to get into the one owned by that guy down the block with the loud Go-Kart. See? Easy.
______________________________
I intended the above to be a part of my computer service blog, but it never hurts to repeat some things.
First Post
Greetings, fellow humorists, readers, writers, curmudgeons, whatever you are. I'm creating this blog for some darned good reasons, to wit:
* I need somewhere to vent my frustration with things political, because otherwise I really can't be very funny when I write. So, when I get one of those times when what I'm trying to write to post to Steve's Humor Page just isn't working, I'll post some vitriolic stuff here and get it out of my system, at least that's how it's supposed to happen.
* I'm interested in writing and communications in general, and this is a way to maybe interact with some other people who also write. In particular I like writing movies, almost as much as I like watching them. Maybe I'll post reviews here once in a while, too. When somebody buys one of my scripts I'll post that news really quick you bet!
* I need a blog for a computer repair and training business I'm starting in Henderson, Nevada later this summer, and this is good practice. Any other questions?
I'm developing a bit of web presence. Besides the humor page referenced above, I have a site about creative writing, a site about freelance writing, a site where I can help you with a career change (for a lot less than most places charge), and soon, a site and blog devoted to my newest venture in the Nevada desert, called 4compucare.com. If you're in Henderson, Green Valley, or South Highlands in Clark County, Nevada and need some help with computers, software, or training about those things, give me a call. (I'll be in the Henderson Yellow Pages starting September 2004.)
No real vitriol, bitterness, or humor either for that matter. This may be a dull blog, huh? Well, check back. I've just published the Humor Page and my energy is low. Just wait 'till next time . . .
;-)
* I need somewhere to vent my frustration with things political, because otherwise I really can't be very funny when I write. So, when I get one of those times when what I'm trying to write to post to Steve's Humor Page just isn't working, I'll post some vitriolic stuff here and get it out of my system, at least that's how it's supposed to happen.
* I'm interested in writing and communications in general, and this is a way to maybe interact with some other people who also write. In particular I like writing movies, almost as much as I like watching them. Maybe I'll post reviews here once in a while, too. When somebody buys one of my scripts I'll post that news really quick you bet!
* I need a blog for a computer repair and training business I'm starting in Henderson, Nevada later this summer, and this is good practice. Any other questions?
I'm developing a bit of web presence. Besides the humor page referenced above, I have a site about creative writing, a site about freelance writing, a site where I can help you with a career change (for a lot less than most places charge), and soon, a site and blog devoted to my newest venture in the Nevada desert, called 4compucare.com. If you're in Henderson, Green Valley, or South Highlands in Clark County, Nevada and need some help with computers, software, or training about those things, give me a call. (I'll be in the Henderson Yellow Pages starting September 2004.)
No real vitriol, bitterness, or humor either for that matter. This may be a dull blog, huh? Well, check back. I've just published the Humor Page and my energy is low. Just wait 'till next time . . .
;-)
